When Civility is Met with Hostility: Navigating Unprovoked Public Conflict
It’s one thing to navigate conflicts with friends and family, but it’s an entirely different skill set to respond to conflict with a complete stranger in public, especially when we have no context about their background, intentions, personality or triggers.
How would you respond when a harmless, thoughtful act is met with criticism and scrutiny?
How would you react if someone publicly shamed you without warning?
What can you do in such moments to set your boundaries, protect yourself, and maintain your peace?
I never thought I’d find myself pondering these very questions until one afternoon at a cafe.
The Unexpected Conflict
My friend and I had just settled into a cafe when an elderly man approached and sat one seat away from us. He demanded that we move our belongings from the seat next to us to make space for his bag.
We were surprised but willing. We started to clear the seat as quickly as we could, or at least, what we thought was quick. But what felt like a few seconds to us must have felt like an eternity to him. Impatience got the better of him.
“Forget it!” he snapped, waving his arms aggressively in our faces. His anger erupted into something far more personal, far more hostile, far beyond what I expected in a public space.
He yelled. He hurled personal insults (about my race, my character, even my family). He cursed. He name-called. He threatened. He threw his belongings in our direction.
No filter. No hesitation. No restraint.
We weren’t the customers anymore. We became the spectacle.
I couldn’t say a word. Any sound I made was drowned out by his shouting instantly. I couldn’t get through to him. I couldn’t reason with him.
Part of me wanted to walk away. Another part clung desperately to the little dignity I had left. I kept thinking: I did nothing to deserve this.
And yet, I still wondered for hours afterwards, replaying the moment, thinking about what I could have done differently. I ran through the scene in my head over and over again.
How do we respond when civility fails and we are faced with such hostility?
What Helps When It’s Happening
While we can’t always prevent these moments, we can choose how we respond. Here are four strategies I’ve identified from my own experience and research.
1) Remain Calm and Gain Awareness
Confrontational individuals tend to use aggression to provoke a reaction (Ni, 2015). The last thing that we want to do is to be thrown off balance. In the face of unprovoked conflict, staying composed and using sound judgment can help us respond wisely and prevent further escalation.
The key is finding a self-regulation strategy that works for you. For some, a simple pause, such as counting to ten, creates the space needed to think clearly. For others, noticing the physical changes, such as your face getting warmer, shoulders getting tense, feet getting sweaty, can be soothing (Sullivan, 2024).
Once we have calmed and grounded ourselves, we are better equipped to respond in ways that can help defuse the situation.
2) De-Escalate with Empathy
When someone is agitated, they may lose the ability to think rationally and behave within social norms (Stapley, 2018). In such moments, our goal is not to win, but to de-escalate the situation.
Something as simple as, “I understand it’s frustrating. Let me clear the seat for you right away,” can help reframe how we are being perceived, from a threat to an ally. By considering their perspective (without necessarily agreeing), we can help guide them back into a more rational state of mind (Stapley, 2018).
3) Assert Boundaries Respectfully
Not everyone calms down easily. Some may continue to overstep. We have a right to set boundaries. It’s how we communicate them that makes a difference. Compare these:
“Please don’t raise your voice at me. I’d like to continue this conversation respectfully.” vs.
“Who do you think you are? Stop shouting and disturbing everyone!”
The first example shows assertive communication, setting clear and calm boundaries, while emphasising mutual respect and the desire to continue the interaction civilly. The second, though understandable, begins with a personal attack and publicly shames the person, reflecting mild aggression and risking further escalation.
Before you react, ask yourself: What am I trying to achieve?
There’s a clear difference between assertiveness and aggression. Our tone and behaviour influence those around us (Crisis Prevention Institute, 2025). When we model respectful behaviour, we can increase the chance of receiving it in return.
4) Prioritise Safety Above All
If you find yourself losing control of your emotions, remove yourself from the situation before it escalates further (Stapley, 2018). You have the autonomy and power to walk away. Walking away is not a sign of weakness in such situations. We must not let our ego override our instinct for safety and put ourselves at risk.
In some cases, you may even need to involve authorities, especially if someone poses a risk to themselves or others. In hindsight, I regret not seeking help sooner. I dismissed his behaviour as “He is just an old man. There is no need to involve the police and make it such a big deal.” But verbal threats and physical intimidation are never acceptable. Authorities, like the police, are trained to respond to such incidents and manage them appropriately. Getting help from them is not overreacting. It is a necessary step to protect yourself and others.
What Helps After It Has Happened
1) Acknowledge and Validate Your Emotions
Do not dismiss your emotions. We should acknowledge every emotion we feel during and after a difficult encounter, whether it’s shock, sadness, anger, embarrassment, or confusion. These emotions are not a sign of weakness. They are all valid.
Reflecting on what happened and how it made us feel can help us untangle the experience and better understand our emotional responses. Such moments also give us a glimpse into our values, help us redefine our personal boundaries and strengthen our emotional resilience.
2) Shift Perspective and Resist Internalising the Behaviour
It’s easy to let others’ words and behaviour affect our self-worth, especially when words feel deeply personal. During the incident, I was attacked for my identity, my family, even my race. I found myself wondering, “Am I really what he said I am? Would my parents be ashamed of me?”
Looking back, I came to realise that his outburst was not a reflection of who I am, but a reflection of his own emotional world. We tend to assign deeper meaning to a behaviour that may be more situational than personal (Sullivan, 2024). To avoid internalising, we can try to view the situation through an empathetic lens (consider their stress, struggles, personal experience, or emotional wounds). Perhaps the person was under tremendous stress and had reached his limit to stay rational. Perhaps he never learned to express frustration in healthy, socially acceptable ways.
Showing empathy does not excuse aggression and hostility (Ni, 2015). Rather, it is a reminder that people who respond with hostility and aggression often have their own backstory. Attempting to empathise and recognise that the behaviour is situational can prevent us from absorbing someone else’s narrative as our own truth.
3) Seek Support
After a public conflict, our minds spiral with self-doubt. We may find ourselves replaying what happened and doubting our reactions. Thoughts like, “Was I too sensitive?” or “Did I overreact?” may begin to surface in our minds, leading us to invalidate our own emotions.
That’s when talking to someone can help to bring clarity and relief (Sullivan, 2024). I spoke with the friend who witnessed it. She walked me through the incident and reassured me that my responses were not only valid, but deeply understandable. This conversation brought me a sense of peace, a kind of validation I did not know I needed.
Later that evening, I also shared this experience with my parents. One of the first things they asked was, “How are you feeling?” It was such a simple question, but surprisingly, one I hadn’t asked myself since it happened. I was so busy analysing the event that I had completely neglected to check in with my own emotions and process them.
When I finally paused to reflect, I realised that beyond the indignance and embarrassment, I also felt afraid. Not afraid of the person involved, but afraid of the confrontation itself. I have never been someone who deals with conflict head-on. I prefer to avoid it. It showed me how unprepared I was to handle an unexpected confrontation and also got me reflecting on not just the event, but my own patterns. What does avoiding conflict protect me from? Why do I think staying quiet is safer than speaking up for myself? Should I avoid at the expense of my own voice and boundaries?
4) Reaffirm Your Boundaries
Upon regaining composure and emotional clarity, the final step is to reflect on and reaffirm your boundaries. One of the greatest lessons this incident taught me was the importance of knowing what I will and will not tolerate. Ask yourself:
What kind of behaviour am I no longer willing to excuse (regardless of who it comes from)?
In moments of conflict, what does respect look like and feel like?
What words or phrases can I prepare in advance to protect my peace? (E.g. “I am happy to help, but I would appreciate it if we could speak calmly.”)
Reaffirming our boundaries isn’t about building walls and keeping others out. It is about creating a safe space that safeguards our emotional and mental well-being.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” - Brené Brown
Conclusion
This experience reminded me that we always have the power to choose how we respond, even when met with hostility. We may not be able to control how others behave and what others say, but we can decide what we absorb, what we reject, and how we move forward.
Every confrontation is an invitation to get to know ourselves better, to strengthen our boundaries, and to protect our peace over someone else’s chaos.
References
Crisis Prevention Institute. (2025, January 20). 4 tips for recognizing and addressing aggressive behavior. https://www.crisisprevention.com/en-CA/blog/general/4-tips-for-recognizing-and-addressing-aggressive-behavior/
De Marco, P. (2025). The art of managing upsets: Strategies for navigating difficult situations (eBook). Pasquale De Marco.
Ni, P. (2015, October 18). 9 keys to handling hostile and confrontational people. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/9-keys-to-handling-hostile-and-confrontational-people
Stapley, K. (2018, April 20). Want to know the “secret” to managing confrontational and aggressive behaviors? Mediate.com. https://mediate.com/want-to-know-the-secret-to-managing-confrontational-and-aggressive-behaviors/
Sullivan, J. (2024, August 22). How to shake off a super rude interaction with a stranger. SELF. https://www.self.com/story/how-to-shake-off-rude-interaction-with-stranger