Dealing with Codependent Parents in Asian Families
For kids growing up in a Chinese family in the 1990s, one word summarised the golden standard that they should all strive for–Ting Hua, which literally means “listening to elders’ words”.
A Ting Hua kid works hard at school, respects the teacher and makes their parents happy. A kid should Ting Hua because their parents have sacrificed their time, money and energy to raise them. Otherwise, they’re seen as ungrateful, spoilt, privileged and selfish.
For a long time, I was that Ting Hua kid. I tried my best not to disappoint my family, because they LOVE me. For instance, although I enjoy living in different places, I put it off because my family prefers that I stay close to them. I obeyed for a long time, until finally, resentment seeped in.
“What kind of love is it that the person being loved can’t live the way they want to? ”
In Confucian culture, we are taught of filial piety and unconditional obedience towards the elders in the family because they only want the best for us. In such a cultural context, all the toxic behaviours–over-control, emotional manipulation, constant guilt-tripping–are justified as “love”.
What Is a Codependent Parent?
A codependent parent is someone “who has an unhealthy attachment to their child and tries to exert excess control over the child’s life because of that attachment.”
What Does This Look Like in Real Life?
● Over-control: a codependent parent would get too involved in their child’s life and deprive them of the chance to make decisions for themselves. It can be something as small as what to wear, to as big as choosing careers or partners.
● Sacrifice Other Relationships: a parent with codependency has no meaningful relationships outside the family because all their time and major life events are centred around their children.
● Parentification of the Child: “Parentification” occurs when the codependent parent relies on their child for emotional support. In a way, the child becomes the “parent”, whereas the parent becomes the “child”. For example, the eldest child in a Chinese family is often expected to take care of their siblings when the parents are unavailable. “You're the big sister/brother — you should take care of your younger siblings.”
● Emotion Manipulation: A codependent parent would use guilt to pressure their child into obeying their will. For example, you want to travel during Lunar New Year, and your dad says: “So you’d rather spend the holidays with strangers than with your own family?”
● Blurred Boundaries: A parent with codependency finds it difficult to enforce discipline. They would rather endure disrespect than displease their child. For example, in China, there is the social phenomenon of 啃老族 (kĕn lăo zú = the Eat-the-Old Generation), ie. unemployed young people who stay at home and live off their parents’ pensions. Rather than motivating their child to be independent and self-sufficient, their parents abandon their principles for fear of losing their child’s affection or closeness.
Why Should You Set Boundaries?
Boundaries are the lines that we draw between ourselves and others, so that we can protect our limited time, energy and emotional wellbeing.
It is a new and foreign concept in collectivist cultures where boundaries are often sacrificed for closeness.
However, here’s the truth: boundaries actually help strengthen a relationship, instead of rejecting it.
A lack of boundaries could lead to negative psychological effects like chronic stress, anxiety and burnout.
How to Set Boundaries with Codependent Parents?
1. First, Understand What Your Boundaries Are
It can be difficult to set boundaries if you have not figured out what your boundaries are in the first place. Despite articles on the internet telling what is okay and what is not okay, it is ultimately a personal choice regarding where to draw the line between you and your family.
The rule of thumb is to trust your gut when defining your boundaries. You have the right to say “No” to any behaviour that makes you uncomfortable, even if it is done under the name of love.
2. Communicate with Assertiveness
When you set a boundary, use firm and clear language. Use “I” statements like:
● “I appreciate your advice, but I need to make this decision myself.”
● “I want to stay close, but I also need space to decompress from work and other responsibilities.”
● “I’d prefer to have a video call once a week—it’s been hard to manage daily calls.”
These are gentle but firm ways of asserting your independence while staying respectful.
3. Stay Consistent
Expect pushback. Change is hard. Your parents may feel hurt or say things like:
“You’re not the same child we raised.”
“You’ve forgotten all we have sacrificed for you.”
This doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means the dynamic is shifting—and that’s necessary for growth.
4. Seek out Resources and Support
You can talk to a trusted friend, find a good therapist, or join a support group if you find it too challenging to do the work alone. It can be especially hard if your family also has personality disorders like BPD or NPD.
5. Practice Self-Care
Boundary-setting takes a lot of emotional energy. Make space for rest and reconnection with yourself. That could mean an 8-hour sleep, journaling, mindful yoga, or taking a walk in nature. When you feel fully recharged, it is easier to hold your ground with assertiveness.
But What About the Guilt?
Along the process of boundary-setting, guilt will inevitably show up: that unpleasant and defeated feeling in the head, chest and stomach, as if to remind us that we have done something wrong.
But is that true?
Remember, we’ve been programmed into believing that listening to our parents’ words is good, and the opposite is bad.
Guilt only means you are venturing into new territory. In fact, guilt shows that you are on the right track towards independence and autonomy.
Next time, when guilt kicks in:
● Sit With the Feeling without Judgement: Try to acknowledge the guilt and accept it as it is. Name it (“Ah, it is guilt.”), so as to observe it more objectively. Understand that it is normal for humans to experience a range of feelings, including guilt. You can also try some breathwork to calm the nerves.
● Set Emotional Boundaries: Remember, it is not your responsibility to make your family happy. You are allowed to choose yourself.
● Some Helpful Questions to Consider: Reflect on what you can gain with boundary-setting. Ask yourself:
○ How can establishing boundaries contribute to my personal growth?
○ Reflect on times you sacrificed your own true values just to please your family. Is that what it means to live honestly?
○ What if I get stuck in the same old codependency trauma instead of breaking free and rewriting my own life script?
○ What if I could have levelled up my career, found my soulmate, and enjoyed my freedom if I had just freed myself of their unreasonable demands?
● Set More Boundaries: Feeling guilty is a sign that you need to practice more boundary-setting. It is ultimately a skill that will get better with more practice.
Final Note
It is never easy to unlearn patterns shaped by love and obligation.
But choosing boundaries is choosing honesty–with yourself and with the precious life that you only get to live once.
References
https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/parent-codependency#definition
https://www.harvestclinic.com.au/post/the-importance-of-setting-boundaries-for-mental-health
https://noworrieswellness.org/noworries-blog/how-to-deal-with-guilt-of-setting-boundaries