Building and maintaining healthy relationships based on your attachment style

The first time I heard about “attachment style” in a relationship was when my partner said to me, “I have an anxious attachment style, so I’ll need a lot of reassurance from you. I often imagine scenarios where you stop loving me, and I might constantly ask if you still love me. Please be patient and reassure me. It really helps.”

At the time, I didn’t take it seriously, and that was a mistake. As our relationship evolved, I began to understand why he said that. He truly does need constant reassurance and sometimes, undivided attention—without it, we often end up in difficult conversations about him feeling unloved or uncared for, even though I do love and care for him—I just don’t always clearly show it (well, you can guess my attachment style - I bet it’s no surprise to know I have avoidant attachment).

My partner has done a brilliant job in understanding himself, his attachment style, and how it impacts our relationship. Because of that, he’s been able to communicate his needs clearly, helping us grow stronger, stay connected, and resolve conflicts more openly.

For everyone new to this term, like me a year ago, ‘attachment style’ indicates the way we tend to behave in romantic relationships based on the emotional bond we developed with our main caregiver during early childhood.

It’s worthwhile to understand your attachment style and how it could impact your relationship. However, the key is to view your attachment style as a chance to grow and better understand yourself, not as a life-long barrier to having a healthy relationship.

Here are a few suggestions of what you can do to nurture your relationships based on your attachment style.

Anxious attachment style

(craving intimacy but constantly fearing rejection, often comes across as overly needy in relationships)

• Communicate clearly and early on: Sometimes, you could feel like you’re demanding too much from your partner. But the fact is, calmly, clearly and respectfully communicating your needs can help build a healthy relationship. Let your partner know what helps you feel secure. It could be:

  • Verbal reassurance (compliments or expressing appreciation)

  • Support during critical times (being emotionally available, physical presence, or requiring undivided attention)

  • Consistent communication (regular check-ins or messages)

  • Affectionate gestures (hugs, holding hands, or cuddling)

  • Following through on promises or commitments

• Practise self-love

• Remind yourself daily that your feelings and needs are as important as your partner’s, and you're enough, with or without external validation.

• Do more of what you love, enjoy your hobbies or activities that give you a sense of purpose and satisfaction.

• Prioritise quality time: Suggest your partner to allocate some meaningful, quality time to engage in shared experiences that could nurture connection.

Avoidant attachment style

(independent and self-sufficient, tend to shy away from emotional intimacy)

• It’s ok to be vulnerable in relationships: 

  • Seeking help is a sign of strength,not weakness. It shows your self-awareness, courage, confidence and trust in other people. 

  • Your partner would appreciate knowing that you trust them and count on them, especially in difficult times.

• See closeness as a gift, not a threat: You can still be strong and capable while letting someone in (even though it could feel unfamiliar at first).

• Gradually give them a glimpse into your inner world (your thoughts and feelings, a story at different stages in your life, ambitions, desires, fears, etc.)

• Make an effort, no matter how small, to include your partner in your life, even if it’s simply letting them know about what is happening

• Support your partner by being emotionally present (and physically, if you can), listening with your full attention, tuning in with curiosity and genuine interest

• Resist the instinct to withdraw: When conflict arises, don’t give in to the urge to shut down. You can take a break if needed, and come back to the conversation and work with your partner to resolve them.

Disorganised attachment style

(torn between wanting closeness and thinking you don’t deserve it due to past trauma or emotional neglect)

• Take baby steps toward trust: Start with small acts of openness with your partner.

  • Share a random thought with them, no matter how trivial you think it may sound

  • Let them know your fears or confide in them your worries when you and your partner start having a trustworthy, deeper connection

  • Accept support and care, and allow yourself to feel the warmth of your partner’s love

  • Rather than worrying about what happened and what might happen, focus on cherishing the time you have with your partner and have faith that they’re here to stay

• Allow time to heal: Your past doesn’t define you, and you always have the power to heal and move forward toward a healthy, stable relationship. Some activities you could do would be:

• Journal your thoughts

• Practice mindfulness and meditation 

• Express gratitude to yourself, your partner, family and friends who bring joy and love to your life

• Seek couples therapy or professional help

• Be gentle with yourself: It’s important to process past wounds with care and at your own pace. Don’t forget to acknowledge your courage every time you show up for love, face your fears, and keep healing from past wounds.

Secure attachment style

(stable with or without romantic relationships, communicate well, set healthy boundaries)

• Keep nurturing your healthy mindset: Because personal growth is an ongoing journey, you can:

• Stay curious about your inner world 

• Be open to learning more about maintaining healthy relationships

• Remember, your ability to form deep and stable connections is powerful

• Support your partner based on their style: 

• Tune into their emotional needs and help them feel seen and secure 

• Cultivate that emotional balance, stability, and the positive view you have about yourself and your partner

If you have a partner with an anxious attachment style, check out ‘Tips To Support A Partner With An Anxious Attachment Style’ on Calm Circles for detailed steps on how you can support them.

• Don’t forget yourself: Being the steady one doesn’t mean you don’t need care and constant love. You can and should rely on your partner too!

• Regularly check in with your own emotions and wellbeing

• Maintain healthy boundaries, and encourage interdependence with your partners

• Keep prioritising open, honest, and kind communication, especially when things get tough

Regardless of your attachment style, I believe there are universal actions and practices we can all embrace to nurture our relationships with our partners. Many of these have been mentioned briefly above (such as open and honest communication, respect, trust, compassion and empathy, mutual support, and showing appreciation and acknowledgement etc.)

But here are some bonus tips that I personally find useful:

• Acknowledge each other constantly: Allocate some time to exchange how you view each other using the 3-2-1 method. 

• 3 compliments

• 2 things you guys learn from each other

• A constructive piece of feedback for the other to help nurture a healthy relationship. 

The 3-2-1 method is a well-established feedback framework commonly used in professional settings to encourage balanced and constructive communication. Although it isn’t typically used in romantic relationships, I’ve seen one of my favourite YouTubers adapt it to regularly check in with her husband, and they’ve been together for 15 years. It turns out to be a great way to build long-term commitment for a healthy, sustainable, and enjoyable relationship. 

• Learn about each other’s love language: There are 5 common love languages in a relationship (physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gift-giving, and acts of service) 

• Let your partner know how you would normally express your love so they can acknowledge it

• Learn how they best receive love, and be intentional about expressing it

• Don’t shy away from difficult conversations: When you and your partner communicate with respect, trust, and politeness, difficult conversations are a part of building that strong connection and getting to know each other on a deeper level. Working through them together builds closeness and strengthens your relationships.

A healthy, stable relationship is one where two people can grow together, support each other and navigate challenges as a team. The journey toward a healthy relationship is an ongoing one, and it requires constant effort to nurture the relationship, build trust through effective communication and mutual respect, and deepen the connection.

I hope the list of points above can help you take good care of your relationship, and take care as well!