Have I Fully ‘Recovered’ from People Pleasing?
Have you ever said yes to an invitation when you really wanted to say no? Spent way too long editing a simple text to avoid upsetting someone? Pretended to like something you hated because you felt so uncomfortable disagreeing?
Well, I have. And if you’ve done the same, we are definitely not alone. A YouGov survey found that 71% of adults often go to great lengths to avoid conflict, and 52% often struggle to say no when asked for something. These are sure signs of people pleasing.
A people pleaser, according to Cambridge Dictionary, is “someone who cares a lot about whether other people like them and always wants others to approve of their actions”.
The keywords? A lot and always.
It’s human to want to be liked. But it becomes a problem when that desire is excessive to the point of affecting our identity and relationships, causing stress, anxiety and even burnout.
Relationship coach Stephanie Rigg used several words when discussing people pleasers:
Shape-shifter. Facade. Earn. Second-nature.
I deeply resonated with all of them.
How It All Started for Me
Growing up, the world felt like a scary place. As an anxious child, I was never sure how my caregivers would respond to me. That uncertainty was terrifying, and so I learnt to cope by people pleasing.
I did whatever I could to make them happy. When they didn’t take no for an answer, I learnt early on to hide parts of myself and simply went along with their ideas. This meant doing many things I didn’t want to, like performing at recitals, and selecting another item at the clothing store just because they didn’t like the one I picked.
As I got older, my people-pleasing tendencies began to affect other relationships. Whenever I felt hurt by a friend, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to them about it. Sometimes, I grew so resentful that I stopped expressing my views altogether. These hidden feelings often led to passive aggression, and some friendships even fell apart.
And it didn’t stop there.
As an adult, I’d often walk out of medical appointments feeling disappointed in myself for not advocating for my needs, worried about seeming too “anxious” or “demanding”. At work, I’d find myself swamped with extra tasks, afraid that saying no would make me seem incompetent or unmotivated.
Ultimately, I built my entire identity around pleasing others. What they thought of me, whether they liked me or not, felt more important than what I thought of them or even myself. This self-censoring and constant shape-shifting to earn acceptance sadly became second nature.
Underneath It All
Beneath the carefully crafted facade was an anxious, silenced child. Frustration quietly simmered, and the loneliness from not being truly known: chronic and unbearable.
In the many situations above, people pleasing felt like the only option. It was a matter of safety, instances of “do or die”; I simply knew no other way. Looking back, I can see how I had come to think like that.
On top of having anxiety and an insecure attachment style, I grew up with caregivers who constantly emphasised the importance of being perceived well. I learnt from them to be endlessly considerate, even at my own expense—being the “bigger person” and not making things “difficult” for others was the most important thing I could do. Without assertive role models, I never saw what healthy, two-way relationships looked like, nor did I figure out how to set boundaries that allowed kindness towards both others and myself.
So, I ended up becoming someone whose thoughts, feelings, and needs went unseen. Not because people didn’t care, but because I never gave them the chance. It wasn’t fair to those who genuinely wanted to know the real me. More importantly, it wasn’t fair to myself.
My Journey Away From People Pleasing
There was no specific trigger to the change that followed. Rather, it was the accumulation of stressful experiences and failed relationships, largely due to people pleasing, that finally pushed me to reflect. Once I understood the reasons behind my behaviours and the true cost of this coping mechanism, I knew something had to change.
So, I began changing old beliefs by reciting new mantras:
“I’m allowed to take up space.”
“Don’t assume or make decisions for others; it’s better to decide together.”
“If I hide my true feelings, they’ll only know the ‘fake’ me.”
“Not everyone will reject me if I speak up.”
“I can disagree while still respecting someone else’s opinion.”
“Don’t apologise for something that’s not my fault.”
“I am safe.”
I forced myself to practise first in low-stakes situations:
Saying what I wanted to have for lunch when out with friends
Talking about my interests, even if they’re different from the norm
Admitting when I didn’t enjoy something that someone else liked
Then I moved on to the harder moments:
Negotiating deadlines that felt unreasonable
Calling out unfair work distribution
Asking for what I needed during medical appointments
Requesting for more time to make important decisions
Letting someone know when I felt hurt by their actions
The journey definitely wasn’t easy. I had to keep checking in with myself along the way, asking myself how I truly felt and what it was that I really needed. Oftentimes, I had to rehearse what to say. Not to please, but because repeating the lines in my head gave me the confidence to say them out loud.
I practised sitting with the discomfort, both before and when I spoke up. I held space for it all, even with a racing heart and swirling emotions in my chest. I worked through things patiently, slowly figuring out where I ended and other people began, gently reminding myself not to slip back into patterns of pleasing.
Over time, this led to recognisable changes in my life. Every ‘no’ I said, every attempt to share space equally, added up. My relationships became more balanced and more reciprocal, because I was finally showing up as my true self. Now, I feel a lot closer to the people in my life, and more grounded in situations where I advocated for myself.
Am I Fully ‘Recovered’?
To recover is “to become completely well again after an illness or injury”. While I wouldn’t necessarily call people pleasing an ‘illness’, it certainly feels like something that many of us end up with without asking for it, much like falling sick.
Rather than seeing my journey as a ‘recovery’, I’ve come to see it as a lesson in self-love. This means learning to take up space, to have opinions, and admit the things I like without worrying too much about judgement (I like cats, K-Pop, and anime). It means aligning my actions with my core value of honesty, to say what I mean, and mean what I say. And finally, it means to let myself be seen and loved.
So, have I completely ‘recovered’ from people pleasing? No.
But have I made good progress? Definitely.
There are still times when I fall into old habits, times when I still feel anxious about showing up as I am. In those moments, the mantra that has helped the most is: “I’ve done it before, I can surely do it again.”
Becoming comfortable in my own skin is likely going to be a lifelong journey. I choose to continue on with courage, knowing that I’m capable of giving myself the love and kindness that I once sought from others.
What about you? What mantra will guide you on your journey of self-love?
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