Just Breathe. Just Be.—Detaching Self-worth from Success.
It has been ten years since I lost my identity. My identity as a successful, high-ranking marketer in a prestigious company. My sense of self was so entwined with my professional role that when I struggled to get back into a similar position, I was devastated and lost. At fourteen, I knew I wanted to be a marketer; at forty, I didn’t know who I was.
On the surface, I seemed fine. But the heavy cloud of hopelessness weighed like lead in my soul. I felt like a nobody.
Luckily, my supportive husband and good friends were there for me. One of them suggested that I create something combining my experience as a food critic with my need to feel relevant in the marketing space. So, I embarked on a project that, at the risk of sounding hyperbolic, saved my life. I launched a food and travel website, teaching myself web development, content creation, and social media management. It made me feel like I was back in the game.
But this isn’t a story about how I got my groove back.
Because I didn’t. I continued to struggle with depression, regret, and feeling like a loser despite building up my “brand” as a writer, editor, marketing consultant and a mental health advocate. I accomplished what I set out to do, but it was never enough, especially when I compared myself with others and my own past. It’s only recently that I’ve started accepting that my worth isn’t based on my accomplishments.
Why do we tie our sense of worth to achievements?
We are taught from young that we are only as “good” as how “well” we do— excellent grades will lead to an excellent career and then to an excellent life. Even our hobbies are subject to such standards. There is no learning “just for fun”.
Meritocracy ensures that the high performers will be rewarded, which, in itself, is not a bad thing. Why should we not be rewarded if we’ve put in the effort?
So, naturally, we focus on what we do well—success is addictive, it makes us feel good. Which once again, is not a bad thing. Until something derails us off our path, that is.
How do we determine our path?
Sometimes, it’s what our parents want for us. They bring their ingrained views to the table, and especially in Asian cultures where success metrics are often external (what you do, where you stay, which car you drive, for example), your choice of career takes on a weightier role.
Plus, with the concept of “face” being important in Asian societies, we want to make them proud. So, we bust ourselves for the optics, even if we are unhappy. And if opportunities come our way that do not fit this journey, we don’t take them.
But often, we determine our path based on our own limiting mindset. We are so laser-focused on keeping up the image of being successful that even if we are interested in something else which has a higher perceived risk of failing, we may not attempt it.
But what is the danger of tying our self-worth to achievements?
In our continuous climb to greater heights, boosted by the need to validate our existence, nothing is ever enough. Burnout, anxiety, frayed relationships— the costs of a life spent proving rather than living.
Impermanence is a fundamental truth in our lives. Nothing is permanent— not our circumstances, not the people around us, not even our sense of self. So, when we lose what we believe to be our identity, one that is based on our accomplishments, it becomes all too easy to feel worthless.
A real risk is that we do not develop a learning mindset, one that allows space for trial and error. We are so paralysed by the need for perfection that we don’t attempt anything that is not a guaranteed success or “worth our time.” We forego the simple enjoyment of the learning process because we are in such a rush to tick off another milestone on our list.
I have been reflecting on what I have learned regarding my attachment to my identity as a “success” and how I am changing that toxic narrative, bit by bit.
How I learned to change this toxic narrative:
It is often childhood experiences that trigger this type of thinking. So, I spent time learning what underpinned my need for achievement. Growing up with a brother who has schizophrenia, I watched my parents struggle with his diagnosis. Though my physical needs were met, I was emotionally neglected—a pivotal realisation that I learned through therapy. I couldn’t add further burden to my parents, so I swallowed my needs and became perfectionistic. Doing well at school, then at work, I received the validation I needed from other adults around me; I was seen.
Getting all that validation only fuelled my desire for more; it was my daily pill to boost my sense of self. Do, do and then do more! It crushed me when I lost my carefully-constructed trajectory to success and ever-lasting happiness. I needed to challenge my preconceptions about what success meant for me.
I accepted that our beliefs are ingrained in us by societal expectations and passed down from generations. But while we can respect that the circumstances during our parents’ time were different and that their views are shaped by that, we need to know that we are not bound to the same mindset.
To reframe what success meant to me, I dove deep into figuring out my values. We can have many values that serve as guideposts, but we need to find our north star, the one value above all. Mine might as well have been accomplishment, but as I reflected further, I realised that mental well-being is at the top of my list. Now, I use this value to help me navigate the triggers that threaten to lead me down the rabbit hole of toxic narratives.
I worked on strengthening my internal boundary, protecting myself from my own high expectations. Gradually, I shifted my mindset towards understanding that life is a journey of trial, error and discovery. I accepted that we are in a perpetual state of change; there is no need to create a fixed image of ourselves. If I make choices that do not work out, I can move on or try again. Forgive past mistakes and missed opportunities. When we are aligned with our higher purpose, abundance flows.
I rewrote my “brand”. Nowadays when someone asks me what I do, I say “I love advocating about mental health. I’m learning a lot writing my memoir about growing up as a sibling of someone with special needs. And, I enjoy making music and wine-tripping around the world with my husband!”
I am far from enlightenment on this; it’s easy to fall into the toxic trap of curating an image—one that suggests I am always accomplishing something. But through my daily meditation, my efforts to live mindfully, and my gratitude for all that I have, I am moving closer to just Being.
Wishing all peace.
About the author:
Yasmeen (@lifeofyasmeenhc) shares raw, personal insights on mental well-being through her speaking engagements and blog, Not a Pretty Picture. She is currently completing her memoir about growing up as the well sibling of a special needs individual.