Finding meaning in adversity
All of us inevitably face some form of adversity, struggle and setbacks in life - it’s one of those things we can virtually all agree on. In fact, we may sometimes face pain and hardship so overwhelming that it seems to crush us. But what if we could re-orient our perspective toward suffering? By not only seeing it as a negative experience to endure, but as an opportunity to grow as a person and develop our character?
My favourite book I read last year was ‘Becoming FDR’. As a history nerd (including a fascination with American history) I was immersed in the story of a man who would eventually become one of the greatest, most impactful American presidents.
The book outlines his experience getting hit by polio, which paralysed him from the waist down and made him wheelchair-bound. It argues that it is precisely because of his disability - not in spite of it - that made him a great leader. It equipped him with characteristics that helped him forge a powerful and organic connection with his people, and lead them through the monumental twin crises of the Great Depression and World War II.
There are three main lessons that stood out to me from his journey of adversity that I think could apply to others: developing stronger resilience, deepening his capacity for empathy, and cultivating thoughtfulness. It’s unlikely that anyone reading this will end up reaching the heights that FDR did; however, we can learn some of the same lessons he did, that will help us move forward with our lives and boost our mental health.
In this piece, I will expand on the importance of these traits of resilience, empathy and thoughtfulness, how we can develop them, and how they relate to our mental health.
Stronger resilience
One of my favourite activities over the past few years, and arguably one of the most rewarding, has been hitting the gym regularly. To build bigger muscles and a stronger body, you can’t just sit around and expect it to pop out of thin air. You need to face the resistance of the weights and endure its discomfort to achieve growth with your physical health and stature.
To me, this is a good analogy for how difficulties in life enable us to develop resilience. Once we face up to the pain and struggles that life throws at us, it develops the ‘muscle’ in our character and mindset that will strengthen us in the long run.
The example of Yip Pin Xiu can provide inspiration in this way. Like FDR, she is disabled and in a wheelchair, owing to being born with Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease, which causes the progressive loss of muscle tissue and touch. As a child, people would stare at her on account of her ankle-foot brace, while classmates would ostracize and bully her in her primary school years.
These are massive hurdles and painful moments to endure, especially at such a tender age. However, as she put it, “because of all this, it made me really tough”. She would eventually find herself through swimming, representing Singapore and winning multiple gold medals at the Paralympics. Her story is a great example of the power of resilience amidst the bad hands that life can deal us with.
Resilience is an essential quality that all of us need to develop - it can help to solidify better mental well-being. As I personally face a challenging phase of my life right now, a friend complimented me that I was one of the more resilient people he knew. It was a big encouragement for me, and it injects me with the hope that the way I’m approaching my difficulties is already strengthening me as a person.
I believe that resilience is something all of us are developing. Hopefully, during the lowest and darkest moments that life offers, you will realise that you are stronger than you originally thought. And may it propel you to flourish more meaningfully in ways you wouldn’t have thought of previously.
Deeper empathy
The Cambridge dictionary defines empathy as ‘the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation’.
Empathising with other people is a very valuable quality. Empathising with those who are most hurting and vulnerable in particular is vital. However, it can be difficult to do so if our lives are nothing but smooth-sailing and we are insulated from hardships of our own.
A previous boss once shared with me how we can have deficits in displaying empathy amidst certain contexts. For example, it can be challenging to enter the shoes of lower-income or impoverished people if you've been living amidst socio-economic privilege your whole life. If you’ve always been a ‘high achiever’ in areas like academic grades or career prospects, you might find it difficult to understand others who don’t seem to fare so well in those areas. Or if you’ve always been able-bodied and in good health, you might not truly appreciate the lived reality of disabled folks.
This is why it is often essential for us to endure struggles and difficulties for ourselves in life, if we are to relate to others who are hurting or feeling down. It will help us at least imagine, even if not fully understanding, what it’s like to be in their shoes.
In Asian societies, for generations we have internalised the idea that academic success or technical skills are the keys to success. If we fixate too much on these aspects, however, we will miss out on the importance of relating to people well through empathy and kindness. As Singapore’s Prime Minister Lawrence Wong put it, these are ‘skills of the heart’ that go a long way to creating a better world.
Empathy is an essential quality that will help us form connections with other people, while also gaining their respect and trust. In turn, that itself will boost our mental well-being. When we form genuine relationships with other people based on mutual respect and understanding, we will feel more whole and have more motivation to face what’s ahead.
With the struggles that we need to endure for ourselves, it will help us connect to the struggles that others have to endure, and support that. These are skills of the heart that have the chance to grow amidst the bitterness that life can deal us.
More thoughtfulness
In our modern world, particularly in bustling Asian cities, life seems to perpetually move at a frighteningly fast pace. As we go about our often busy schedules, amidst a whirlwind of responsibilities and appointments on our plate, it is easy to lose sight of what truly gives purpose and fulfillment in life.
In this context, setbacks may sometimes be a necessary stepping stone to become more thoughtful and reflective. You might encounter a closed door of some sort; it could be a job or career path that falls through, a relationship that doesn’t work out, or a certain kind of habit or lifestyle that you’ve been stuck in. Amidst the hurt and sense of loss that comes with such things, it can still be a gateway towards pivoting your life in healthier, more fruitful directions.
Developing more thoughtfulness can also help in exploring or understanding new paths before us. Perhaps there could be a connection with someone you never would have imagined, an opportunity to accomplish something you never realised you were capable of, or even discovering a very part of yourself that you previously never understood.
Amidst the busyness and stressors that modern life often imposes on us, it is worth taking a step back to reflect on where life is truly going. On many occasions, it is when we don’t get what we wish for, when life deals us bad hands, that we can think purposefully. And that is one important way that meaning can come from our adversity.
Conclusion: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Friedrich Nietzsche is said to have coined this phrase, which was further popularised in Kelly Clarkson’s song from 2012. Although we should be wary of applying this as a universal principle, I believe there is a lot of truth to this idea.
Pain, adversity, frustration, and sadness don’t need to simply be obstacles to get out of the way. They can serve as gateways to build a more resilient, empathetic and thoughtful self, along with other positive traits that will serve us in the long run.
So if you’re going through a difficult time in life right now, hopefully you will be able to find meaning through your struggles by developing more positive qualities in the long run that will bolster your mental well-being both now and beyond!