Can you really build boundaries with your family?
Ah, family. Manna for many, source of stress for others! There are all sorts of expectations placed on family members that we would not dare place on others. What makes it trickier is that these expectations are often unsaid, inherited or simply assumed, causing a lot of unnecessary tension within us.
We desire space to live our own lives yet feel the strain of being tethered to the family unit—a deep-rooted sense of obligation that resonates strongly in collectivist Asian cultures.
How do we find the balance? After some therapy and a lot of self-work, I have finally understood the power of strong yet flexible boundaries especially when it comes to family. Let’s get ready to build them!
But first, what are the different types of boundaries?
There are many types of boundaries. But let’s look at these four, for now. As part of my therapy self-work, I found these, as classified by Dr Jonice Webb, to be the most useful.
Physical Boundaries:
We know this one. It’s literally the space you put between yourself and another person for you to feel comfortable. Maybe it’s your mother who hovers over you while you’re working on your laptop, so close you can feel her body heat enveloping you and… you cringe? That’s encroaching your physical boundary. Needless to say, unwanted touches fall within this category. You need physical space!
External Boundaries:
This boundary is all about protecting you from outside “threats”. You could consider it a filter between yourself and whatever external insult or injury is coming your way. For example, you’re at a family dinner and your sister-in-law randomly mouths off that you love to be at the centre of attention. You’re shocked and hurt by this statement. This is where your external boundaries can kick in. First, consider if there is merit in the statement. If you know that this couldn’t be further from the truth, then could this statement be borne out of her own insecurity? Often, people’s criticisms are a reflection of their own biased views, and external boundaries can help you determine if their feedback is worth paying attention to or rejecting.
Internal Boundaries:
Internal boundaries protect us (and others) from ourselves. Yes, you read that right. This is the filter that we can use to process our internal responses to what is happening around us. For example, your cousin may have brought up a childhood secret only the two of you shared, something that you find embarrassing, and you feel intensely hurt or angry. You want to either never speak to him again or lash out, right then and there. Internal boundaries give us the opportunity to understand our strong emotions and decide what we want to do with them so we don’t say or do something we regret! Plus, internal boundaries can protect ourselves from our own ruminations and constant state of heightened emotions.
Temporal Boundaries:
This is the boundary that will be most helpful to prevent us from bringing our past baggage into the current situation. I have had my fair share of insignificant things triggering me so badly that I would end up crying in a pile somewhere. On the flip side of the timeline scale, anxiety about the future can also lead us to not living in the present. The extreme reactions are almost always driven by past experiences and have nothing at all to do with the current incident and yet, we react. Being cognisant of temporal boundaries can help us stay in the moment and respond appropriately.
So how do we build boundaries with our families?
Identify your needs. And accept them. Our families are often viewed as a collective unit but we are still individuals in that unit; we have a right to our own thoughts, feelings and needs. Knowing our needs is one thing; accepting their right to exist is key!
Work on slowly building up the boundaries mentioned above. Check out Dr Jonice Webb’s 6 Step Boundary Building Exercise at the end of this article. It doesn’t happen overnight. It is like a muscle, the more you practise, the more instinctive it will become.
The practice goes hand-in-hand with advance planning. Recognise your triggers and plan your response. For example, what if your father starts complaining about how you are not fulfilling your potential at your job? You’ve heard this many times and you’ve had heated discussions about it before. What can your healthy “boundary-built” response be?
Note that boundaries can be strengthened or weakened over time. It is not a matter of better or worse, respectively. Instead, tightening or loosening the boundaries really depends on the “progress” of the situation and our own “growth” over time. We may “let in more” when we have learned healthier ways of responding.
How do we decide on the strength of our boundaries then? Identifying our top one or two values in life will help us to form them. Initially, I had values such as personal growth, creativity and integrity on my list, but as time and more self-work went by, I decided that when I am stuck and do not know how strong my boundary regarding a particular situation or person should be, I choose my mental well-being. That is the single most important value I use to guide me.
Because guilt often is the repercussion of successful boundary-building, we may feel conflicted inside. This is where being clear about our own values will help us. Every time you feel guilt, remind yourself that you are living according to your values. And remember, short-term guilt is better than long-term resentment.
Now, do we communicate with our families about our boundaries or not? Where possible of course, it is ideal to communicate your boundaries and the consequences clearly. But, as in everything, it takes two hands to clap. You may have done all the self-work but the recipient may not be accepting of it. When the stress of attempting to bridge that gap beats the rewards, I say, go for the show, not tell. One day, I built my boundaries regarding my family, and I just practised them. I didn’t have to spell it out for anyone, and over time, people got the message.
Finally, be patient with yourself. Building boundaries is hard to do especially when we are always told, “Family comes first”! And there will be lapses. It took me years and a serious medical emergency that led me to finally see that I had to prioritise my well-being, no matter what people said.
At the end of the day, this is about doing what’s best for us in the long run. No one can do this for you, only you can. So, here’s to finding the balance between living our lives and being part of our families!
Reference: The 6 Step Boundary Building Exercise, Dr Jonice Webb.
About the author: Yasmeen @lifeofyasmeenhc shares raw, personal insights on mental well-being through her speaking engagements and blog, Not a Pretty Picture. She is currently completing her memoir about growing up as the well sibling of a special needs individual.