The Eldest Daughter Syndrome

“Give it to your sister, your sister's older,

Give her all the heavy things we can't shoulder.” 

• Song: Surface Pressure (Encanto)

Though not the eldest, Luisa’s song has encapsulated the oldest sister/daughter experience to the tee. How do I know this? I am the one who she sings about. I am the sister she refers to, and tears well up each time this song plays.

For 22 years, I embraced the “eldest daughter” title and the responsibilities attached to it wholeheartedly. Proudly shouldering domestic responsibilities (physical and emotional) like a champ, striving for excellence in every expectation. 

It felt noble, almost. 

But lately, that pride has morphed into resentment. Now, every request from family feels like another weight, and the frustration builds. The worst part? I still can't say no. 

Trapped in a constant limbo of, “I want to be selfish” and “I don’t have the heart to ignore them.” 

Presenting — the Eldest Daughter Syndrome (EDS)...

It turns out there’s an actual name for what I’m experiencing.

Made viral through social media, EDS is a phenomenon that spotlights the plight of first-born daughters. EDS is NOT a clinically diagnosed condition, but rather a term to describe the shared emotional turmoil and struggles faced by eldest daughters like:

• Adopting parental and domestic responsibilities 

• People pleasing tendencies

• Overwhelming desire to be in control

• Difficulty in asking for help

• Strong sense of protecting

• Perfectionists

• Perceiving love as transactional

Healing Eldest Daughters

Healing EDS is a strenuous, rediscovering journey. 

Imagine, for years, you allowed the “You’re the responsible one,” comments to dictate every waking moment. Every decision. Your mind has been in perpetual overdrive, planning the next step and over-functioning for your family even when you don’t want to. 

THAT was my default mode, and rewiring my anatomy to do the opposite is taxing. 

Yet, I needed to heal. I couldn’t bear the person I became around my family, so I implemented these healing practices for my betterment:

1. Staying firm with boundaries

I’ve come across many articles that encourage establishing boundaries with your parents and siblings. Indeed, that’s the first step and extremely important. However, I believe what truly makes a difference is being firm with boundaries, both in your actions and thoughts. 

Personally, my thoughts are my biggest challenge when it comes to boundaries. I have to constantly catch myself whenever I start to spiral into catastrophic thinking when I stick to boundaries. I find myself working twice as hard to reason myself out of it. To stay in the present and not think of what might happen.

It’s difficult, yet a must. 

2. Find a healthy venting outlet

Eldest daughters, there’s only so much burden that you can shoulder alone. 

But finding a space where you can breathe freely, relax, and take those burdens off is essential in your healing journey. It’s a form of self-care because it liberates our minds and bodies from tension we may not have realised was weighing us down. 

Even Luisa acknowledges this in the song,

“But wait, if I could shake the crushing weight of expectations,

Would that free some room up for joy or relaxation, or simple pleasure?”

Fortunately, I’ve been lucky with my venting outlets. Therapy, having vulnerable conversations with my friends, and writing (what you’re reading now) is my form of self-care. Find yours.

3. Reconnect with your inner child

As eldest daughters, we may have resorted to suppressing the playful, carefree aspects of ourselves in favour of shouldering familial responsibilities. We’ve grown accustomed to acting mature and making adult-like decisions, often at the expense of our inner child. 

Recognising this, I decided to carve out space for my inner child to emerge now and then. I make an effort to engage in activities that evoke fond childhood memories. I find comfort and contentment when I revisit my pre-teen “fangirl era.” I drown myself in early 2010s YA books and movies—yes, I’m looking at you, Twilight and The Hunger Games!

Reconnecting with our inner child is a deeply personal journey, so nurturing it should be approached with understanding and self-compassion. In other words, you need to reparent your inner child.

A Parting Note to Eldest Daughters

I’m not going to sugarcoat things here because being the eldest can be lonely and suffocating. Its weight can feel relentless, leaving you feeling like an empty vessel solely fueled by the obligations of "family duty." It wasn’t a choice you made. 

Yet, that title is yours and eldest daughters persevere, right? As Luisa has perfectly put it, “Watch as she buckles and bends but never breaks.” 

So, hang on a little longer. And hopefully, after all of the struggles, I hope you’ll be able to have that peaceful life that you desire. Free from unwanted responsibilities, expectations, and guilt. 

Here’s to a future of healing and for the life you deserve.

Until then, this letter’s for you. I hope you find comfort in these words as I do: A Letter To Eldest Daughters.