From ‘Guilt-itude’ to Gratitude: Relearning What it Means to be Thankful

Do you practice gratitude journaling or have gratitude rituals built into your routines? How did you feel doing them? Did they bring the benefits you expected? 

Like many people who started doing gratitude practices, I too first began because I heard they bring better sleep, positive moods, improved social relationships and more. Each day, I wrote three things or people I was grateful for. Initially, it felt good: I was reminded of the things that I took for granted, like decent health, my family, and the chance to be educated. 

But as the weeks went on, I found myself doing up my list in a way that felt less like a mindful practice and more like another task to complete. Worse still, racking my brains for novel things to add to the list quickly morphed into an act that came with guilt and invalidation: 

I should be grateful it’s only a mild injury! At least I can still walk!

Many people out there have jobs that are even more challenging than mine. I should be grateful that I even have a job.

The exercises that were meant to help me appreciate the important things in life became a comparison game. With the many necessities and comforts I’m privileged to have, I felt compelled to stay positive all the time. I didn’t allow myself to feel down, blamed myself when I did, and felt undeserving of what others didn’t have. I realised I wasn’t truly feeling grateful, but was practising what Bowman calls guilt-itude—forcing myself to feel thankful by comparing my situation to someone else’s hardship.

Eventually, I stopped doing the lists. I no longer felt the effects that motivated me in the early days. My conclusion then was that gratitude practices weren’t quite for me. At least that was what I believed, until I read Brené Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart. 

What Gratitude Means to Me Now 

In the book that reads like a map to understanding human emotions (hence the name atlas), Brown explores in detail what makes up the human experience. In her chapter on ‘gratitude’, she quotes researcher Robert Emmons: 

“I think gratitude allows us to participate more in life. We notice the positives more, and that magnifies the pleasures you get from life. Instead of adapting to goodness, we celebrate goodness. We spend so much time watching things—movies, computer screens, sports—but with gratitude we become greater participants in our lives as opposed to spectators.” 

What does it mean to participate instead of spectate? To celebrate instead of adapt? 

To celebrate means to show that something is important, and to participate means to take part in an activity. In practising gratitude, this can look like intentionally engaging in actions to show that something or someone matters. 

So, rather than keeping grateful feelings to myself on tiny lists or journals, I now let people know. The discomfort and shyness that initially came with it, simply because I was in unfamiliar territory, was overshadowed by my desire to appreciate these people’s presence and the good they do. This also aligns with Brown’s own definition of gratitude, derived from her research and reflections:

“Gratitude is an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us connected to ourselves and others.” 

When I feel grateful for something these days, I stop and consider what it is that I value. What is meaningful here? What makes me feel more connected? 

Thinking about gratitude this way helps me compare less with others and become more curious about my relationship with the world. For example, when I thank the universe for the food on my table, it doesn’t just end there—I deeply feel the life and effort that went into it. Every grain of rice was painstakingly harvested by hands that toiled, every leafy vegetable soaked up nourishment from the sun, and even the meat came from a life that was once a part of this world. It reminds me that I am one with this universe, and that there is so much life beyond my own for which I’m grateful. 

Even if there are still occasional thoughts about people who do not have the same privilege I do, this feeling is now met with compassion and recognition of what connects us instead of what divides. I remember that we are all beings on this planet, made of stardust, and it makes me consider what actions I can take here and now to positively influence the lives of people near and far. 

Summary

Gratitude doesn’t come naturally to everyone. As Brown and many others have emphasised, it’s more like a muscle that strengthens with mindful practice. But like many fitness regimes, the exercises have to feel right and sustainable for them to be effective. 

These days, I remind myself that gratitude isn’t about denying pain or guilt-tripping myself into positivity. It’s about noticing what connects me to life, and celebrating the good in it with clear intention.

In all humour, I can say I’m grateful for having read Atlas of the Heart, which helped me move from practising guilt-itude to genuine gratitude. With this, I invite you to consider what gratitude really means to you, and how you can feel more connected to yourself, others, and the world through its practice. 

After all, gratitude isn’t just a habit, but a way to participate fully in life.

Interesting reads on gratitude:

• For the science behind gratitude, read The Science of Gratitude by Greater Good Science Center, University of California, Berkeley. 

For a neuroscientist’s perspective on practising gratitude, read Ness Letters: Noticing What Works by Anne-Laure Le Cunff.