Why are Asians ashamed to talk about sex? with Joo Hymn Tan- Podcast Shownotes

S-E-X. How many of us Asians can confidently have a conversation about this topic with our parents or kids without feeling squeamish or feeling like you need to hide under a rock? Probably not many. 

In many Asian societies, shame around sex is reinforced when growing up, we witnessed the discomfort of our Asian parents around this topic. However, when conversations around consent and sexuality don't happen during our formative years, feelings of shame around sex can affect our relationships and mental health well into adulthood.

We spoke to Joo Hymn Tan, Project Director for the Birds and Bees Programme, AWARE, about the relationship between sex, shame, and mental health. 

Podcast Excerpt 

The following interview has been edited for brevity and clarity 

Sabrina: In your opinion, why do you think there's so much discomfort around this topic of sex? Or like even talking about it? Where does it come from?

Joo Hymn: I think it’s something that has been ingrained in a lot of people for many generations. It is then bolstered by this concept that we’re an Asian society and therefore, we don’t go around talking about sex.

I remember when I was younger, American TV was seen as corrupting our children; they talk so freely about sex and jump into bed so easily. So there was this whole idea that this is a Western concept and import. Since we are Asians, we don’t do that. 

This ideology was kind of reinforced in both said and unsaid implications that ran through generations. That’s why we got the message that sex is taboo and dirty. 

Sabrina: How does shame around sex impact one’s ability to have a healthy relationship with themselves and others? 

Joo Hymn: Just a caveat that I’m no expert on this. However, based on my personal experience and those I’ve spoken to during my workshop; when you’re feeling shame, you can’t really move in the world because there’s a part of you that’s running a tape going “You’re awful”, “You’re not worth it”, “You can’t do this”. 

Brené Brown separates shame and guilt where guilt presents itself as “I’ve done something wrong, I made a big mistake that I need to make up for”. Whereas shame is when you feel “I’m bad for making that mistake. I’m stupid, I’m inadequate, I can’t do this”. So when we bring this concept specifically to sex, it’s “I’m slutty, I’m dirty, I’m going against my parents and my teachers.” 

This doesn’t stop when you get married and are supposedly expected to have children. As human beings, we can’t flick a switch and change the way we think. All this is running through our heads when we’re with an intimate partner, so how do you have a healthy relationship when you’re having an extremely unhealthy relationship with yourself?

Sabrina: I’m really curious about your approach towards teaching parents how to educate their kids about sex. Where do you begin?

Joo Hymn: In one family, there may be a number of children. They may approach each child very differently, depending on their personality. What we try to do in our workshop is to highlight and bring up certain areas that we think some parents may not have thought of. 

We bring up topics that we think are important for parents to know and ask questions about. 

The only area where we don’t ask questions is in the area of consent. We present it as a topic that is a must. We present it as what it is, what is not and we try to tease out the grey areas in between. For example, what happens if two parties have had sex before, what happens if one party has had a drink or what happens if we go to one party’s house versus another. 

What we’ve been hearing from young people as well is that the area of consent that they were taught in school is so black and white. So what happens when there are all these grey areas? What happens when one party doesn’t say yes and doesn’t say no? How does peer pressure come in? How do stereotypes or expectations come in all of these things? These are grey areas but they are worth discussing with your children. 

Ultimately the message that we want to send across when talking to young children is to get verbal consent. Especially when you’re young and feeling horny, body language may not be reliable right? 

Sabrina: In a previous conversation we had, we talked about body autonomy and safety. How can we start to approach the topic of sex with the younger generation?

Joo Hymn: These are conversations that parents can have with really young children. From the moment that the child can articulate or understand language. You can start this conversation with them by saying “your body is yours, and nobody has the right to touch you”. This allows the child to say no to hugs and kisses. Not just parents, but also uncles and aunties. Most kids are reasonably okay to hug and kiss parents most of the time but we also have to respect the times when they say no to hugs and kisses. 

We definitely want to talk about body autonomy. For those with younger children, talk to them about who can touch you. For example, if mommy or someone is helping you to shower, we will touch your body to make sure it’s clean. But if they’re uncomfortable and old enough, they can say no. So teach them the vocabulary to say no. 

Sabrina: What’s considered (sexual) assault? 

Joo Hymn: I’m not sure of the framework that’s being used but we did a survey of young people in Singapore, aged 17 to 25. The statistics showed that 1 in 3 has experienced some sort of harassment. 1 in 6 has experienced unwanted touching - so it’s touching, kissing, assault and rape. The numbers are really high. 

Sabrina: I can only imagine how many of these cases go unreported as well — probably because of shame and also because they don’t know that it’s wrong, right?

Joo Hymn: At least 70% of cases go unreported and in part, it’s done by someone they know so there’s an extra pressure not to report. Even recently in Singapore, there was an incident where the perpetrator was said to “have a bright future”. With outcomes like this, the average person will think that this is going to happen at the end of a really traumatic process, so what’s the point (of reporting). 
In other cases, especially for younger children, it tends to be a relative, neighbour, a lot of times also, an older siblings friends or a family friend. And they (younger children) might feel that if they reported it to someone, they may not be believed or even might be blamed for breaking up the family. They then take it upon themselves to not talk about it. Furthermore, the way rape myths are being perpetuated in many cultures, they might start thinking if it was their fault. 

There are many young women who are walking around traumatised, not being able to talk to anybody about it and feeling like they’re totally alone. As they continue to grow up they also carry this shame with them. 

Sabrina: How can we remove the shame around sex on two fronts? First, the parents' side of things and then as adults, what can we do for ourselves? 

Joo Hymn:  I think as a parent, before, you can even say anything to your child, you kind of need to work on yourself first, because if not, the things you say, may come off really awkward. Children are amazing at sensing discomfort in their parents and partly because of survival, they need to be able to read their parents. So if we talk to our children and we’re really awkward about it, it will inadvertently come up as nonverbal messages that sex is taboo. If they have any questions, they might not ask because they don’t want to make us uncomfortable. 

Sabrina: Do you have any advice for parents who are preparing themselves for these conversations with their children? 

Joo Hymn: Read and think about it. It also depends on what their concerns are. If you don’t know how to communicate, think it through. There are a lot of resources online — if you just Google it, you’ll be able to find websites about how to talk to children about sex and consent. Prepare yourself a little before approaching (the topic). If you’re going in blindly, the chances of you giving the wrong message are pretty high because we’re all so awkward about it. 

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Calm Conversations is a podcast series launched and facilitated by Calm Collective Asia. As a means of sharing personal experiences, lessons, and advice, we speak to people from all walks of life about topics that are universally relevant yet often still taboo in the hope of normalising conversations about mental health. 

Available on Spotify, Google, and Apple, you can tune in whenever and wherever. We hope that by listening in, you feel less alone, learn something new, and find the courage to continue these conversations with the people around you. Stay calm!

Resources

Birds and Bees: A workshop for parents by AWARE

Check out our previous episode “#ifeelyoubro: Sexual dysfunction and other insecurities with Sean Low”